So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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