This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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