4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
