I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
