Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
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