My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
