remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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