i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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