I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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