new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs