I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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