tequila makes me forget i have legs
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
