Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
