He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
