you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
