The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
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