I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
