turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
