He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
