I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
