i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
