Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
