This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
