hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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