Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
