Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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