I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
