"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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