I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
