he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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