Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
