My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
