he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Randomize
