I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Randomize
