DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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