Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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