I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Pappa wants mamma naked
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
