i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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