I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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