my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
