Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
