final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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