you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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