Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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