i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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