Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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