the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
my sisters under your porch take her home
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
