I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
