I like my sex mixed with concussions.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
