watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
