he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
