i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Every concussion has its silver lining
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
