everyone is single if you try hard enough
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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