I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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