dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
